Story, Part II

Jess had been seeing more poop and more lizards, but no more rats. This forced her to strongly reconsider her original hypothesis: Ugandan lizards poop.

Jess had been informed by a good friend that Costa Rican lizards poop, but when she tried to ask Ugandans if Ugandan lizards poop, no one really said yes. They said things like, “Hmm. I’m not sure.” Or, “Well, many things here leave droppings.” Jess was hoping for more of a “Yes, silly, of course Ugandan lizards poop!”—type answer. She never got one.

Jess had still been using loads of bleach when she cleaned, but she had often been away from her house, for various reasons- to see friends, to get medical checkups, and to give a talk to the new Peace Corps trainees. On her way home from one of her more lengthy travels, she stopped by a vegetable stand and picked up some tomatoes. When she got home, she placed the tomatoes on a tray on her counter, and, as she usually did, covered the tray with a cloth, to discourage fruit flies and other insects.

Jess’s good friend and fellow not-so-good cook Sarah came over to spend the night, and Jess and Sarah had a great time eating really good food. (But, ‘really good’ as in easy for not-so-good cooks- yummy and bad for you, not ‘really good’ as in healthy, like, oh… tomatoes, for example. The tomatoes remained untouched.)

The next morning, Jess and Sarah got up early, because Sarah had to go home and go to work. They decided that they would have a slightly more nutritious breakfast. (For this meal they would put the Nutella on bananas, instead of on cookies.) Jess had also picked up bananas in town the previous day, and was keeping them on the same cloth-covered tray as her tomatoes.

Jess pulled back the cloth to get the bananas, and noticed something odd about one of the tomatoes. Jess’s immediate thought was, “Wow, that tomato was so ripe that it just split right open!” Jess didn’t know if really ripe tomatoes could just split open like that, but, well, she lived in Uganda, land of the unexpected. Anyway, it was her first thought, and first thoughts don’t have to make sense.

However, upon closer inspection of the unfortunate tomato, Jess discovered that it wasn’t exactly just split, but that a significant chunk was missing…

Upon even closer inspection, Jess discovered…oh no. Oh no! Oh no no no no no no no! Really? NO. Yes. YES. There were, in fact, BITE MARKS on this tomato.

This tomato was not simply over-ripe, it had been EATEN.

AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH. (That was how Jess felt.) Jess told her friend Sarah to come look, in case she was seeing things. Sarah confirmed that they were bite marks. Sarah and Jess looked around for critters. They found nothing, but, noticing some poop on the floor, Sarah made the side comment: “Crazy lizards and their black-and-white poo!”

Jess REJOICED!!! to know that a) someone else was pretty sure that lizards poop and b) someone else’s lizards also poop in black and white. Here is a picture of said bi-color poop, in case you yourself ever find it necessary to identify the defecation of a Ugandan lizard:

(I mean, really, you never know. One year ago, did Jess think she would be a Ugandan lizard poop expert? HECK NO.)

Jess concluded that her original lizard poop hypothesis was correct. She also concluded that a lizard had munched on her tomato; her counter was near a window, and lizards loved to hang out by her windows to catch the bugs. The curtain even hung down to the counter, enabling easy lizard access. Jess thought, “Oh well, it was just a one-time thing. Only a tomato.”

Sarah went home to work, Jess also did some work. At the end of the day, Jess came home. She was hungry. She went to check out her food situation. She pulled back the cloth from the cloth-covered tray, and what did she find?

Another tomato. EATEN. Jess recognized that this was clearly her own fault for leaving her tomatoes in the same exact place, but she was still highly annoyed. Jess ate tomatoes every week, and kept them in the same place every week. Her tomatoes had never been eaten before, and now twice in one day???

Here is a picture of one of Jess’s many lizards (this one is a baby). He is thinking, "I may look cute and harmless, but watch out! I will gobble your tomatoes and make no apologies."


And here is a picture of Jess and her second (eaten) tomato. Jess was thinking, “Are you inconsiderate, malevolent lizards TRYING to get on my nerves??? Do you think that this is a joke? That I just buy tomatoes for the fun of it? Do you think this is FUNNY?”



Then Jess realized that, well, maybe this was a little funny. She smiled:



Jess also developed a new hypothesis: Ugandan lizards have teeth. That’s pretty darn funny right there.

Jess has now decided to keep her perishable food inside a pot, with a lid. Jess is saddened by the fact that she can no longer think of her lizards as cute, friendly, helpful bug-eaters, for now she knows that a cloth-covered tray poses no threat to these blood-thirsty, black-and-white-pooping, ferocious tomato-scarfers!

WITH TEETH!!!