15 August 2007

Downside

Now a complex infrastructure was devoted to what had become ineradicable miseries: famine, displacement, poverty, illiteracy, AIDS, the ravages of war. Name an African problem and an agency or a charity existed to deal with it. But that did not mean a solution was produced. Charities and aid programs seemed to turn African problems into permanent conditions that were bigger and messier.
-Paul Theroux, Dark Star Safari


Today's entry is a little different than most. People often comment on how well I seem to be doing and what a great experience I'm having. While there are many times that I am doing well and having a great experience, there are also many times when I am not doing well, when I am not exactly having a great experience. It has been brought to my attention that my blog only reflects the positive aspects of my time here, and not what it's actually like to be a Peace Corps Volunteer in Uganda. I try to keep a positive attitude- which requires not dwelling on negative aspects- but I do want to be honest.

In the interest of honesty, this entry reflects a less positive side of my experience. As many of you know, I took a leave of absence during my junior year of college, to volunteer abroad for five months. There were definite challenges, but I really loved it. While I think it's unfair to compare experiences- the situations are entirely different- I often think about how differently I feel now than I did then. A little while back, I wrote about that in my journal:

Last time,
I wanted to give them
Everything I could-
Everything.
But here, I just want to say
NO.
GO AWAY.
Don't even ask
I will not give you anything-
Anything!
I will not give you money,
I will not get you American "friends,"
And I will not take you to America.
I have to remind myself
Constantly
That here, it is not rude to ask
To ask,
Ask,
Ask.
I cannot walk to my house
Without being asked.
Ask
It is not rude
Ask
It is true that I have money,
Ask.
Ask:
Why do I think it's rude?
Only because of my culture.
Ask
Ask, and you shall receive
Seek, and you shall find
Knock, and the door shall be opened unto you

Ask:
What kind of awful person am I now
That I have no desire to help these people
Who are asking me for help?
Ask:
How can I be so cold?
But, ask:
Is too much help
Destroying Africa?
Perhaps more so than too little?
(I wish more people asked that question)
Oh Uganda, may God uphold Thee,
We lay our future in Thy Hands...

But, ask:
A future that is dependent on asking?
Sometimes I think they are incapable of seeing
Me
As more than a person to ask.
Ask:
My comfort?
That every other volunteer
(Who has been here for a while)
Feels exactly the same.
Ask:
Why don't we quit?
Pride
Commitment
Challenge
Guilt
Experience
The kids
Fear of failure
Hope
Lack of anything better to do back home...
The newer volunteers
Are always enthusiastic
The older ones,
Horribly cynical.
Ask:
Why?
It just happens, because...
Ask,
Ask,
Ask.
I didn't want to be cynical,
Or horrible.
Now I'm both.
Ask:
How do I cope?
I have cynical, horrible friends
(Who are really great people!)
Ask:
What are we doing to ourselves?
We are changing,
Growing.
We are learning.
But, ask:
Do I really want to be learning this?
Learning to be cold-hearted?
Learning to make people
Ask?

3 Comments:

At 16 August, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are coming to realize what so many before you have come to realize. You know about "teaching a man to fish..." but it is difficult when they would much rather "ask" you to do it and that then becomes their way...to ask, ask, ask and then you feel used and not helpful. You are not horrible...you are just seeing reality--the human side of life. You are learning and even though you may not realize it, they are learning more from you than to ask. Just think of the letter Frank sent to us. I know you have impacted so many people in so many ways....just ASK them! Love you, Mom P.S. Maybe I could help you find something better to do at home...tee! hee!

 
At 17 August, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are an amazing person. Thank you for all you've written. You are making a difference and that's what counts. It's understandable to be discouraged when you give, give, give, and don't see a lot of results, but that's what makes you so special.
Love, Joanne :)

 
At 27 August, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

When you think of your mother what do you see in your minds eye? What feelings are invoked? Do you really know that woman who answered everyone of your "asks"? That is all you did for your first few years. That is all you could do.
If you do not respond to a babie's cries they draw inward. They cease to cry, they do not thrive, they will become very inward and selfish. If you respond only to pacify, not to nurture and love, they become spoiled and demanding.
Ahh, but if you respond with love, joy, and encouragement....you have a child that turns outward and desires to respond with love, joy, and encouragement. That would be you, Jess.
Africa has cried and been ignored.
Africa has cried and been pacified.
Very few have loved and nurtured.
All things are possible with God. You are discouraged with the progress and not seeing your purpose. "Ask" Him, He will amaze you with his answer. "Ask" Him all you like, that is what he has been waiting for. His desire is to answer. He never feels invisible and he never tires. All rescources are His, they never run out. "Ask" for your corner of the world and be amazed. His gifts are perfect.
I love you Jess and you are making a positive impact. We mothers are never properly appreciated in our own time!

 

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